My oldest son is a college graduate who has refused to look for a job. He just lies around the house and eats all the food. He won’t help with chores, and he defies our wishes, drinks heavily at home. And he always stirs up trouble with his younger siblings.
How do I tell my grown son it’s high time he moved out of the house and started living on his own?
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You have the power to remove him from your house. When children turn 18, parents are not legally obligated to provide for their adult children. If he won’t do anything around the house, you can tell him he either has to start contributing, or he can leave. Those are his choices. It is not up for debate. It is your home. You can do what you see fit. But do not let him continue to live there and freeload.
You handle it this way: “Either you contribute to the household if you want to remain living here, or you can pack your things and leave.”
Give him a time frame to improve. If he does not, you ask him to move out. If he has nowhere to go, it isn’t your problem. He is an adult. It is up to him to make the decision.
These sorts of questions always surprise me. It seems like common sense. But then again, I grew up in a household where we were made to contribute. No way would my parents accept this kind of behavior. I also didn’t live with my parents as an adult. I didn’t make excuses. I got whatever job I could and I struggled. I have been living away from them since I was 19 years old. Your adult child should not be allowed to live in your home and do nothing. Period. Unless someone is physically incapable of contributing, they should be. Not everything is a disorder or mental illness. We also shouldn’t have to coddle and talk to our adult children like they are babies. We need to stop viewing things as such and stop making excuses for ourselves and our children. Many People are just plain lazy or just do not care. That doesn’t mean something is mentally wrong with them. In fact, I am willing to bet that 8 times out of 10, this is the case. It means they have not yet learned how to be accountable for their lives. One of the best ways to teach them how to be accountable is to teach them harsh lessons.
I don’t know the age of your “grown son” but you just can’t make a rash decision and chase your son outside, you’d be doing him a great danger. There was a summer my son was home from college and he didn’t want to get a job. Since I was working full time, I told him it wasn’t an option for me to work, plus cook, clean, etc. while he played video games and hung out with his friends. So he was in charge of the house. He did a decent job. It was hard for me when he went back to school!
Tell him that he needs to do something. Help him to explore some options, learn how to take care of the home, cook, let him know he’s already an adult and he needs to starts behaving like one. Encourage him to set some goals and help him discover the steps he needs to take to achieve them. You can’t expect him to move out if he doesn’t have a way to pay rent and his phone bill. He may not have thought about these things before, and he may not find the right path on the first try. Encourage him to keep discovering and seeking what he wants in life.
Some kids have had a wonderful childhood and want to extend it as long as they can. You will want to start treating him like an adult and help him understand that his childhood is over. Start acting more like a life coach than a mom, and you will ease him into a productive adulthood.