To be intimate with someone is to share close emotional or physical ties with them. If you fear intimacy— fear of becoming too close to others. How can you get over it?
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To be intimate with someone is to share close emotional or physical ties with them. If you fear intimacy— fear of becoming too close to others. How can you get over it?
Fear of intimacy can often be stated as a lack of intimate trust in others. This inability to trust easily in others is often well earned, and need not be discarded altogether. In some instances, it’s good to be wary, in other situations such as in a personal relationship, it can be a real barrier. Learn about the different kinds of trust. For example, you trust your bank with your money, but you know your bank sees other people. You may not trust your partner with money, but you expect an exclusive relationship.
Next, figure out your plan to gradually start increasing trust in intimate relationships. Take the time you need; as another poster suggested, be patient with yourself. Start out with easy things: does the person show up on time? Does he remember your wants and needs? Does she keep your private life private?
Gradually expand and observe how your partner handles the trust you give to them. If the trust is honored, when you’re ready, extend a little more. If the trust isn’t honored, then don’t accept excuses (yours or theirs). Consider it as valuable information learned, and decide if you wish to continue with the person, knowing that you have reached the level of trust that they can sustain. If everything goes well, and the person proves to be reliable and trustworthy – then, and only then, do you treat them as reliable and trustworthy.
If you find that you still cannot trust someone who has demonstrated that they are reliable and trustworthy – it’s time to see a therapist.
We all crave intimacy on some level. Fear of intimacy is usually as a result of an experience or negative thinking patterns. For example, you may fear intimacy because you fear being hurt if you reveal your vulnerability or you may not find yourself to be worthy of intimacy. You fear that if someone knows you, really knows you, they wouldn’t want to be close to you. I think the answer lies within you. Ask yourself, “What do I fear?” and “If I allow this person close, what will happen?” Keep asking questions until you get to the root.
When my marriage fell apart, I found myself in this destructive cycle. I craved closeness but when someone drew too close, I began to distance. I had the fear of committing again. I soon realised that the real problem was the fear of being hurt again. Although I wanted to experience love again, I was also afraid of it. Terrified that someone could hurt me so badly again. Even though I could rationalise that this might not have been my problem at all and that maybe the issue was with him, these thoughts continued to wreak havoc in my life.
The answer to any fear is to confront it and expose yourself to it. One of my favorite quotes is, “A hero feels the fear and does it anyway” and another well worn expression, “Nothing ventured, nothing gained!” Yes, I could get hurt again but by building walls, I was preventing myself from experiencing what I wanted most, a fulfilling relationship. I am still single but no longer in that phase of self-destructive thinking. I’m fulfilled in my career and living a life that I once only dreamed about. When I meet someone new, I will not be afraid to dive in and experience love again. I will welcome it with both arms and my heart open wide! Wishing you the same.